So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Randomize
