I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
