2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
