He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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