Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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