why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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