I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
