You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
