Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Your cock deserves a montage
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
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