Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
