True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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