I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
