I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
