Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
