Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
So. Much. Porn.
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