I hate your face
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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