The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
