my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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