How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Randomize
