It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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