Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
