is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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