you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
