apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
