oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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