just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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