Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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