I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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