I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
