Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
