So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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