Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
