Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
