i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
