my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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