Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
