textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
