so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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