I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Randomize
