its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
