theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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