I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
