So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
