My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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