Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
false alarm, still single
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
