i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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