I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
