News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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