is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
