how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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