If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Semen is not good for contacts.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
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