If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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