so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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